Caught in the Middle

In most situations in life, I always try to be the neutral one. The one that sees both sides, doesn't have a strong opinion of A over B, the one that tries to help side A see the view point of side B or vice versa. Admittedly, there are times when I definitely feel more strongly about one side than the other, but I will usually keep that quiet and, for appearances, will be neutral. I don't know, I kind of think it's good to be neutral - it's good to see both sides of a situation, it's good to be objective where you can be and it's probable that you will be seen as trustworthy and will have more friends than enemies. But, it also gets you in trouble.

I won't go into details, but there is some drama at work right now - mainly two situations that I am somewhat involved with. I am not part of the drama, but I am involved with the people in/creating the drama. This is where being neutral gets tough. I am ALWAYS in the middle. In these work situations, I see both sides. I honestly do. And, at the same time, I'm trying to be friends with both sides. Though, in both situations, I feel more strongly about one particular side, but... I can't really show it. So, here I am getting talk from this person in my left ear and getting talk from that person in my right ear and it is so emotionally draining and somewhat stressful at times. Half the time I just want to yell "leave me the fuck alone, I can't handle this right now," but because I'm in the business of being neutral, I can't create conflict. Or, even if it's not a drama situation, everyone at work dumps on me - about their personal problems, work problems, etc. I don't know, I am kinda flattered that they feel they can talk to me, but it takes a lot out of me. Sometimes I can barely handle what's going on in my head. And I really just have this issue at work - very rarely does it happen in my personal life. I don't know, maybe it's because I spend 40+ hours a week with these people.

Being fair and seeing things neutrally is good, but I never know when to speak up for myself. And I'm always so worried of getting on some one's bad side. I apparently have this problem of needing/wanting to be liked. It's just very frustrating for me and I have dealt with this all of my life, since it happens with any human relationships that I have. And I'm not really sure if it's something I necessarily need to change, but I think I need to learn to handle it better - and well, I probably need to learn to not worry about what people think about me. It is hard trying to be everybody's friend and sometimes, it just doesn't seem worth it.

Kitty & Cali

Earlier this week my mom told me that two of our cats passed away. Even though I'm not living at home anymore, it still makes me very sad. Kitty was 15, Cali was 17...so they had both been around a long time and for a good chunk of my life. The oddest thing was that they both passed away about a day within each other. Not sure if they both had some sort of illness or if it was just coincidence. My mom says that the other two cats we have left are doing fine.

Cali, I was kind of planning for - I knew she was older and the last time I was home, she wasn't looking her best. But, Kitty, I definitely wasn't expecting. Cali had spent a good chunk of her years as an outside cat. We would try to bring her in, but the other cats would chase her and pick on her and she would always head for the door. It was kind of cool, you could pull into the driveway and Cali would run up and meet you. The last year or so my parents had gotten her to come into the house since she was getting older and, for the most part, the other cats left her alone.

Kitty and Cali are actually sisters - same mom. Kitty wasn't always the nicest cat, if I remember correctly, she was quite the little pain until we got her fixed. Then it seemed like she did a complete 180 and constantly wanted attention, when before, she'd want nothing to do with you. She never was a lap cat and you couldn't do things like pick her up and cuddle with her, but she was sweet. And she loved to go "hunting." She'd go into my parents bedroom and grab a clothes hanger that fell on the floor and she'd walk down the hallway with this hanger in her mouth, meowing. And it was quite difficult for her to walk. She would drop it on the floor, look at us and meow like "look what I got for you!" (If you don't know, most cats are like this - if you've ever found a mouse, lizard, bird or something on your doorstep, they bring back their kill to show you what they did...it's to sort of gain your approval and show their love).

Here's a picture of Kitty, unfortunately, I don't have a digital picture of Cali...



Anyway, they will be missed and while it's a little easier for me because I am removed from the situation, it's still hard and still a lot of memories. And it's never easy to lose an animal.

"Nice & Romantic" Dinner

Alright, so...my best friend and her hubby are visiting me this weekend. Last night, she and I decided to go to Cheesecake Factory for dinner. We are seated on the patio and the waitress has already stopped by the table a few times to take our drink and food orders. She was passing by and noticed the little candle on our table was out, so she asked if we wanted it lit. It really didn't matter to me, but I think we both said sure. She lit it once and it went out, so she tried again. It was on this try that she said, while lighting it, "...make it nice and romantic."

Okay, so WTF? Apparently two girlfriends can't have dinner together?? It was early, like 6:30p, so not a late "dinner date." We were seated at a table for 4 and were sitting across from each other, not next to each other. Now, maybe it was one of those foot and mouth situations where she just said something she didn't mean to say, I mean, I do that all the time. Ya know...candles on a dinner table can be romantic, so maybe she said it w/o thinking that there were two chicks at the table. But seriously? Just because two people, of the same or opposite sex, are sitting at a table together doesn't mean they are TOGETHER. I've run into this problem w/some male friends as well. Unless you see some sort of affectionate activity, maybe just assume that the two people are platonic.

Also...not sure why it bothers me so much. My friend and I laughed about it, but...I'm still kinda offended. The waitress also touched me twice...once on my arm and once on my back as she was walking by. I think the one on the back was her way of saying, "I'm going to run your card, I didn't forget about you," which is cool...but dude, just tell me. Not into random waitresses who think I am a lesbian touching me.

Music: Tone Loc - Funky Cold Medina

You Have Something on your Forehead

The radio station that I'm listening to right now is asking listeners to call in and share what they are giving up for Lent. This reminded me of a story...

A few years ago, when I as working at the hospital, a client came up to the counter. I was helping someone else, but acknowledged her and saw that she had something on her forehead. The whole time I was finishing up with this other client, I toyed with whether or not I should say something. I usually try to avoid awkwardness, but...in the event of it being so noticeable, I decided to say something. So, when I was done w/the one client and began helping her, I told her "You have something on your forehead." She said, "yeah, it's Ash Wednesday." I can't remember what I said, I'm sure it was something along the lines of "Oh, I'm sorry!"

But yeah, I'm not Catholic, so why would I know, but I suppose it's common knowledge that this happens on Lent? I really didn't/don't know...and I really felt foolish. At the same time, I would expect nothing less to happen to me.

Dream Definitions

I feel like I should say something on here...admittedly my brain has been consumed with a lot of crap, most of which I'm not willing to share on here, so I've been a little at a loss of what to say. So, instead, let's talk about some wacky happenings in my dreams last night...

Last night I had teeth falling out, I was pulling my hair out and I had a headless rat for a pet. According to The Curious Dreamer, teeth falling out "can indicate a feeling or a fear that something has caused you to lose a healthy balance within your physical body or within your mental state or life." Pulling out my hair "could represent frustration or rejection of something about yourself or your situation." And, trying to define what the hell a headless pet means was a little more difficult, but this is what I could find: "A dream about your pet being in trouble or sick can mean you feel you're overlooking a responsibility for taking care of yourself or your life."

I really want to put a check mark by each of these items. While I know this is only one source of information, I find it interesting that each of these definitions pretty much sums up how I am feeling in my life right now. I know dream analyzing is nothing but interpretation, but I do believe that dreams are our brains way of trying to make sense of our emotions and everything that happens to us in our daily lives. I feel like dreaming creates a clean slate everyday that way our brains can absorb what is to come.

Just found it interesting...and I often dream about the teeth and hair - not so much the headless pets.

Music: The Raconteurs - Pull This Blanket Off

Dairy Saga

Alright, well, it's more of a saga for me than anyone reading this. I've been doing the no dairy thing for a few weeks now and it is proving to be much more difficult than that I thought. Admittedly, the hardest part is not avoiding the obvious dairy products, but the products that have dairy in them. I've had two bad experiences because of this, one intentional and one not. The not one was just my ignorance.

One night I had a big piece of chocolate cake w/chocolate icing. While I'm sure the cake mix took oil (I did not make it), it being chocolate, there was probably some form or milk in the cake and/or frosting. At the time, I didn't care, because I figured it wasn't a straight dairy product, so why would it matter? Well, and maybe it's a coincidence, but I woke up the following morning congested w/a really bad sinus headache. And I hadn't had a sinus headache for about two weeks prior to this happening. Interesting.

Then, this past Saturday, I went to the grocery store. I was mindful of everything I bought except for one thing: frozen waffles. Once in a while I get into this habit of toasting some waffles, putting butter on them and eating them that way for a snack. I was in the freezer section, saw the waffles and thought they sounded yummy. Not only did not not cross my mind that I bought waffles, that normally contain milk, but I bought buttermilk waffles. So, I did not clue into this fact until AFTER I hate them. Um, hello Amanda. So, I woke up yesterday morning with a massive sinus headache and this one was bad enough for me to stay in bed until the early afternoon.

So far two things have seemingly caused a sinus reaction. I find it interesting because, I have been eating biscuits, which according to the ingredients, have milk, but they have not bothered me. My ultimate experience will come before my follow up appt. w/my doctor next Friday. I bought a 12 oz. container of milk and I am going to drink it one night before bed and see how I feel in the morning. I'm a little concerned, part of me is thinking that if the stuff I ate w/just some milk in it caused bad sinus headaches, what is the actual product going to do. And mind you, these two headaches I've had were far worse than "normal" sinus headaches I have. I really think this will be the only way to dry and definitively tell. Though, I guess it won't be too definitive unless I'm actually tested, but it'll be the closest thing so far.

Yep, there's my saga. I'm actually very saddened that I may be allergic to dairy. I'm a big fan of dairy products...and ya know what makes me the saddest? No cheesecake. :( *sigh*

Music: The White Stripes - I'm Lonely (But I Ain't That Lonely Yet)

Water in the Trunk

I am pretty frustrated at myself. A few months back when I made a trip to Tulare, I decided to unscrew my antenna from my car because it was starting to bend and break (it's a rubber antenna and not the one that came on my car). Last month it rained for a day or two and I remember afterwards getting into my car and noticing a moldy type smell. I got into my trunk one day and noticed that the corner of the trunk where my antenna is was wet. I had a roll of paper towels that was soaked and the carpet in the trunk was wet. At the time I assumed the water was coming in through the screw hole that the antenna screws into.

So, for some idiotic reason, I never put my antenna back on and having the down pours that we had last week, I now have a ton of water in my trunk. Well, it's not puddled, but the carpet is soaked. I was able to pull the top carpeting out (Thanks to Ong for giving me that idea) and it is now sitting my balcony so it can dry out. There's some padding around and under my spare tire that is soaked and when you press down on the padding, water puddles up. I'm also a little concerned because my battery is in my trunk, but everything seems okay with that. The plan is to leave my top carpeting out to dry and I am hoping with that being gone, it will give a chance for the other padding to dry. Oh and there's also the funky ass smell - though, I think it was mainly coming from the top carpeting.

I called my dad because I wasn't sure what to do, he suggested I go buy some silicone to put around the base of my antenna where it attaches to the car just in case that is where the water is leaking. I did that and I also put some around another part of the antenna. Oh and I also put the antenna back on my car. I am fairly confident that the water is coming from the antenna area because I initially felt dampness right underneath there. I've also had this antenna for over 2 years and I've only gotten water in my trunk when the antenna was unscrewed from the car.

Since my antenna is starting to break (it's wrapped in electrical tape right now), I figure I will contact the dealer at some point and get an estimate and see how much it would cost to get the right antenna back on my car. But if this works for now, I am in no rush.

But, yeah, can only be mad at myself. I was the dumb ass who didn't put the antenna on after the first time. *sigh* Sometimes I wish I knew what I was thinking.

Also, thank you to my dad is who is always there whenever I am having an issue, especially when it comes to my car. It is much appreciated and means a lot.

Music: No Doubt - Ex-Girlfriend