I can not tell you how I *wish* I could step outside my body and look at what is going on in my life. It's so hard to see everything objectively, when in your own mind and heart you have 'blindspots'. i want to feel so badly that i am not wasting my time and that i haven't been wasting my time..ugh..i don't know...
anything and everything that is bugging me right now is my own fault, because somehow i was not born w/the desire to stand up for myself and voice my opinion. i'm always so damn afraid of pissing someone off or sounding like a bitch. maybe it's cause i'm so sensitive myself...maybe that's why i'm so 'careful' with people...how does a person change this? how can someone learn not to be so damn sensitive? that is my problem...i need to fix that someway, somehow. i can not go through the rest of my life like that...in the long run i'd never be happy.
i have this fear of being alone...maybe that is why i am wanting to hold on to what i have, even if it isn't much in someone else's eyes. what i have is more than i've ever had and it seems like a lot to me, it honestly does. but at the same time i know i am not treating myself fairly nor am i getting what i guess i deserve.
i just want things to change and the only one who can do that is me, I can't depend on other people to make me happy all the time...if only i could get that through my thick little skull.
one of these days i'm going to reach my limit and i will change things, i will deal with all that i need to deal with. all i can do is hope that limit is coming up soon, which i think it is. the limit may be high enough right now to where i can start to deal with things. i'll just have to see. *sigh*

btw, if this makes no sense, i am sorry...i'm using the blog to write and figure things out. so forgive me if you don't understand it.