Well, I am feeling a lot better. Still got a nasal sound and i cough, but i feel better. : )

I guess it is now safe to say that curt and i are no more. the only reason i say "guess" is because it's not really official, but since i haven't heard from him in a long time (months), all that is left for me to do is assume it is over. for those of you who know already, please bare with me...i think typing this is going to help a little bit.

Needless to say i'm really upset. i never thought i would get this upset over him. cause i've thought about ya know, what if we didn't make it because of the situation of the relationship, but i never, ever thought it'd be like this. somedays are better than others, but only because i choose not to think about it, cause my mind is tired of dealing with it. i thought it'd get easier everyday, but it's really not. it's like everyday i am remembering something we talked about or something that happened and it just kills me. i think my first 'reality check' that my relationship was really over and that i'd never be with curt, was last friday morning. i had a dream thursday night/friday morning and curt and i were together and happy and when i woke up i realized that it was over and that was never going to happen. and ever since i had that dream, this has been extremely hard on me. i guess i'm hoping that by writing this, it might help me feel better, but i dunno. i'm miserable really...it's not consuming me, cause i am happy too. but when i am alone and not keeping myself busy, then i start thinking about it and that's when i break down. there are constant reminders which make things hard too. one of the hardest things is realizing that he probably isn't going to ever call again and i'm never going to hear his voice again. it's hard to have someone who has been in your life over a year and a 1/2 just drop out of your life. and it's even harder when you don't know why. maybe he's afraid to tell me he wants out of the relationship or maybe he's found someone else. (hopefully not the latter cause it turns my stomach to think of him with someone else). sometimes i wonder if i brought this on myself because i didn't always confront him when something has bothered me. but then again, that doesn't account for him not having the decency to tell me anything.

yeah i know, life goes on, there'll be other boys...etc. but i'm not ready to hear that right now. i'm certainly not ready to start 'scoping' for other guys. this is so hard...definitely the hardest thing i've had to deal with in my life, as silly as that may sound. i guess when i fall, i fall hard. but i mean it's not easy......oh shit..nevermind...my eyes are so watery, i can barely see the screen...thanks for reading if you got this far...

music: ravel - bolero