i am very sleep deprived today. winston decided to keep me up until 6am. he first woke up at 1:45am and between the time i went to bed and 1:45 i got *maybe* 45min. of sleep. after that, i did not get to sleep until after 6am. i was getting unbelievably frustrated. i was tired anyways and winston was just not cooperating with me. so i got up about 11 this morning, so i got about 5 hours of sleep, but i'm still tired.

the past few days i've been feeling kinda blah...physically and mentally blah. for some reason, i am just not feeling good about myself or anything and i am not quite sure where that is coming from. it's graduation time and i think that is bugging me. it's not that i miss high school, though i guess on some level i do. but i miss the feeling of having achieved something. it's been 3 years since i got out of high school and i just don't feel like i've achieved much of anything and i don't feel like my life has gone anywhere. now assuming the stars work in my favor, my life should change in the coming months. i should be living in a new place, going to a new school and starting the path to my career, being able to actually be with someone i care about, being able to see friends i haven't seen in a year. some of you may be reading this and thinking, " well, if you're unhappy, why don't you change it?" well, i am aware of that, i'm not dumb enough to expect someone else to change why i am not happy. i think certain people in my life have the capacity to help me change, but ultimately it is me that has to do the changing. maybe all i need is support. to get the support i probably need, i would have to put my heart on my sleeve and expose all of my feelings and well, i'm not sure if i want to do that. there's one person who knows me more than anyone else, and that is my best friend. but she is busy with her own life, especially with work and wedding planning. maybe i should be excited cause i should be moving on to bigger and better things, but i'm worried that might not work out. sure, i know that is no attitude to have. i should be positive and take charge of the situation i am in and i am trying. i'm sorry, i know none of this makes sense and maybe 2 hours from now i'll feel a little different. *sigh* who knows...

"A man can change his stars." ~ a knight's tale

eminem - cleaning out my closet