Rant

I do not understand why so many guys out there are dirty whores and why so many girls are sluts. I mean what happened to self-respect? It seems all guys want is to get laid...They act like if they don't get laid, their penis is going to shrivel up and die and their balls are going to fall off. Are there *any* guys out there who actually want to wait and have sex when they're in love w/someone or when their married to someone, instead of 1 or 2 months into a relationship?? And why are girls giving it up? Don't they understand that they have the power in any sexual relationship? I'm not trying to be all feminist, but it is true. Women have *ALL* of the power...they can say yes or no...and they say yes. I'm sure some women are horny just like men...and some have no self-respect, and some think that the only way they can be loved is through sex (I think some men think this as well).

If/When I find someone I'd like them to be a virgin, but if they're not, I certainly don't want a list of sexual partners. This just disturbs me...in the last few weeks of school last semester, I found out that a lot of the people on my floor, guys and girls, had partaked in making out, oral sex and/or just sex with eachother...and immediately lost respect for a lot of people. All of these people were 17-20 years old. I just don't understand the mindset...what happened to virginity being something special? What happened to saving it for someone you love? There were girls that would complain about being virgins and I was shocked by that...I mean what is so wrong w/being a virgin? It's nothing be ashamed of. I don't care that I'm a virgin...rather be a virgin than have sex w/someone I didn't even care about. I had a friend who basically told me he wanted nothing to do with me because I wouldn't put out and I told him to go to hell. What the fuck is that?

And that is another thing...am I destined not to have someone because I won't put out? Am I destined to be alone because I am not as beautiful as other girls? Yeah, let's start the second part of this rant...I hate how superficial people are. I mean new people try to talk to me online and they immediately want to know what I look like...I mean is how I tell you I look going to determine whether or not you talk to me?? There have been more than a few times that I start talking to a guy and he immediately wants to see a picture of me. I never send one right away...I wait to see if I like who I am talking to, etc. So we talk for a while and I am a great person with this great personality and I'm hot because I have blonde hair, blue eyes and I'm from CA and just when I think this person isn't superficial, I show a picture and bam, he's gone. How fucked up is that? I usually try not to let it bother me because it's their loss and I don't need someone like that in my life, on any level, but that doesn't deny the fact that it hurts, ya know? I'd be lying if I said I wouldn't mind having a significant other who was good looking (according to my friends my taste is something to be desired anyways, but still...), but it's not all that matters. If I meet a guy and I don't find him that attractive and I get to know him and he's a great person, he becomes attractive to me..I don't care about how tall you are, I don't care about your weight. If I meet a guy who I find attractive or hot and he turns out to be an ass, he's not so hot...

I just wish other people could be like this. Sadly, if I were real attractive, I probably wouldn't be writing this right now. It's just, god, so what if I'm not as attractive as other girls? Are you seriously going to pass up what could be a good friendship and maybe even a relationship because I am not a nice piece of ass?? Damn, this is hard for me to write.....people wonder why I always say that I'm going to wind up alone in life or they wonder why I am so afraid of being alone. Well, forgive me if I am convinced that because I am not as attractive and I am not easy, I will not have anyone.

I do think there is a guy (or guys) out there who doesn't care about this shit, but they're probably taken...or they don't want a relationship, or their gay....or maybe there is a distance between us...or maybe there's baggage...or they just quit talking to you out of nowhere. I don't know...it frustrates me. I am a good person...I think I have a lot to offer someone, but no one gives me a chance...and that hurts.

Music: Blue Man Group f/Dave Matthews - Sing Along

Thursday Night

Well, I tried to post a few nights ago, but Blogger wouldn't load for me - though it loaded for other people. Go figure.

Anyways, I got 311's new album!! Aww Yeah!! It's really good. It's not what I expected and it definitely sounds a bit different, but it's still really good. I expected something much harder, but it's awesome. Then I find out that 311 is going to be in Anaheim, at the House of Blues, on Sept 4th and I will be in Fullerton at that time. I want to go sooooooooo bad...but I'm afraid it being in Southern CA that tickets may go faster...I'll have to look into it.

The good old Cal State University Trustees decided to raise tuition again (effective immediately). Instead of $1021, my tuition is now $1258. A $237 increase. Ya know, I'm already getting less money this next year, now I am losing $200 more of it... *sigh* After I am done here, I am looking for on campus jobs...I know there are some jobs posted doing film stuff, so maybe I'll apply to those.

The book I am reading (mentioned in post on July 9th) is getting really good. I haven't been reading it regularly, but a chapter here and there. It says some interesting things about reincarnation, personality and karma. The premise behind this book seems to be that souls travel from person to person and whatever the soul doesn't get accomplished while in one person, it tries to accomplish in another. The soul picks up where it was left off. The argument is that this shows why some people have certain behavior, whether good or bad. I don't know if I necessarily believe this, but it is interesting to read. Maybe read some tonight...Now that I've talked about it, I am eager to read.

Music: - TV

JN311

The guy that I would have went with to see 311 last night told me that he got to meet Nick and SA (the singers) from 311...and all I can think is if I could have afforded to go, I would have met them too. So, naturally, I'm bummed as hell. Do you know how awesome that would have been?? I mean I probably would have jumbled all of my words and would have sounded like an idiot, but man...*sigh*

On a lighter note, Jerry Nadeau (my fav. NASCAR driver) made an appearance at the track today. This is the first time he's been at a track since his wreck in May. He looks really good...I didn't get to hear him talk though, but by his pictures he looks healthy and everything. I'm just glad he's getting better and I can't wait to see him driving again.

Not much else is going on. Met with my health insurance guy today. Got a plan picked out, I just gotta get the money for the initial payment. It'll be a little cheaper than my previous insurance.

Oooh, I was bad last night and spent money. I took the pictures from Rena's wedding in and got them developed, so if anyone is interested in seeing me all dressed up, let me know. I also bought a pair of flip flops. Gotta love Walmart.

music: watching tv

4 more days until Evolver

Oooooh...

....I can put a title in my blog...heh.

I have spent the last couple of hours reading through my old posts. There seems to be a difference in my posts...I told FJ that I thought my posts had more personality in the beginning. I was reading some of them and I thought they were written well or sounded kind of witty and I thought to myself, "I wrote that?" FJ also had to explain to me how to get to my website and the other blogs from Merc's page...I was confuzzled.

My weekend was kind of eventful. Last night Rena, Monique, and I went to Red Robin (restuarant and bar) and had drinks. I had a drink called Sand in your Shorts. It was pretty good. I really wanted to finish it, but i was driving, so Monique finished it for me. She was buzzin pretty good. I wanted to drink too...she's driving next time. :) B ut while we were there she got to see Rena's wedding pictures and I'm so happy that they came out well. I also liked most of the ones that i was in. Not trying to sound conceited, but it's rare when I find a picture of myself that I actually like. Hopefully I can share them with you guys sometime. After that, I dropped Rena off at her house and all 3 of us wound up standing outside and talking for about an hour. Talked a lot about sex, actually. Well, they did...since I am the only virgin I just kinda listened and took mental notes. ;)

Not much to do tomorrow. I need to make a few phone calls and other than that, it's all up in the air, like many of my days. *shrug*

Music: Matchbox 20 - Unwell

i went to the public library yesterday and got a library card. i was so excited. i haven't had one in at least 10 years. i had one when i was younger...i checked out some books one time and left time out in the rain and they got ruined and i never paid the charges. i never went to try and get a card because i assumed that the card was in my name and they'd have my charges on file. well, yesterday, i finally decided to go try and get one and if i couldn't, i'd play dumb. i was able to get one and i checked out a book. :) i know it sounds dumb, but i am really glad i got one. i wanted to check out a dr. phil book, but they didn't have it, so i checked out a book called the seat of the soul by gary zukav. i bought it for my friend and she really liked it, so i checked it out. boy how exciting is my life if this sort of thing thrills me?

i had a dream about curt last night. i was in southern ca and i was going to go see him, though i told my parents i was going somewhere else. though, in my dream we were never physically together, but we were text messaging eachother and it was just like we were going out and everything. it was just weird. honestly, he's been on my mind a little lately. not because i miss him, but just in general...i dunno...i guess it's bound to happen. *shrug*

on a totally side note, does anyone ever watch those country time lemonade commercials and think how beautiful the scenery is? how nice it would be to live in such a beautiful place? i do all the time....hoepfully this makes sense...

music: 311 - creatures (for a while) aww, yeah...new 311 song.

i hope everyone had a good 4th of july. mine kinda blew. i mean it wasn't a bad day, i just didn't do anything...and all of my other friends had plans. so i stayed home, got online and watched a movie. well i forgot, i did visit my friend krystal yesterday afternoon. it was really great to see her. i hadn't seen her since rena's wedding. her little son is soooo cute! she gave me a picture of him sitting in a metal tub with rubber duckies all around him. he is so adorable.

i have decided that i would really like a night of alcoholic fun. i've been feeling really bummed out lately and i know that is no excuse, but i would love to just have fun for one night...but i have no money, so i guess i will keep wishing. :)

i really want to go on kazaa and download songs, but i'm scared to. they're (who ever they are) are going to start filing lawsuits on people who download music and, i dunno i don't wanna get caught. i think i might go ahead anyways...i have a list of songs that i want.

hmm, so this post was nothing but randomness. just thought i'd update everyone on what's going on in my life, which, sadly, isn't much.

take care everyone. :)

stolen from brian.

1. Who are you?
An almost 22 year old 311 fanatic and college student who grew up in cow and farm country in CA who aspires to work behind the scenes in the film industry.
2. What are the 3 most important things everyone should know about you?
1) I am pretty passive, can be aggressive if provoked.
2) I am a very loyal person and friend and will do anything I can do for you.
3) I can be traditional, but I also have a very open mind.
3. When you aren't filling out 5,000 question surveys like this one what are you doing?
Right now, sitting on my ass to put it bluntly.
4. List your classes in school from the what ones you like the most to the ones you like the least.
Film classes, Music/Band, History, English, Math, Science
5. What is your biggest goal for this year?
FIND A JOB!!
6. Where will you be in 5 years?
In my own place in SoCal with a BA in Film and working in the film industry. Hopefully with a special someone as well.
7. What do you want to be when you grow up?
I don't want to grow up.
8. Are you more child-like or childish?
Hmm...a little of both probably...hopefully more child-like.
9. What is the last thing you said out loud?
I can't remember.
10. What song sums up your life right now?
311 - Beautiful Disaster
11. Does your life suck?
Well...I am aware that I should be happy about a lot of things in my life...but this question gives me a chance to complain, so here goes... I have no job, I have no car, I can't go to the 311 concert, I have less than $20 in my banking account and I'm lonely dammit. Despite those things, I guess life is a'ight.
12. Does your life get better or worse each day? Or does it just stay the same?
Right now, it's the same.
13. Does time really heal all wounds?
Yes, I think so. It heals, but doesn't make you forget.
14. How do you handle a rainy day?
Stay dry if it is possible.
15. Which is worse...losing your luggage or having to sort out tangled holiday lights?
Luggage definitely...thought mine was lost, luckily it wasn't. At least with the holiday lights I could sit down and listen to music or watch tv and have something to do.
16. How is your relationship with your parents?
Pretty good.
17. Will you miss them when they are gone?
No shit...I dread that time, I don't know how I am going to get through that.
18. How do you want to make your living?
As I have said, working in the film industry...editing.
19. How do you want to make your life?
Interesting question... Not quite sure what this is asking...I want to have a nice house, family (not sure if kids are in the picture) and I just want to be successful in my own heart and mind.
20. Has life ever given you a second chance and how?
No, only because I haven't had a huge travasity in my life where I would need to be given a second chance.
21. Are you more of a giver or a taker?
Giver
22. Do you make your decisions with an open heart?
Yes...though it is debateable if that is a good thing or a bad thing.
23. What is the most physically painful thing that has ever happened to you?
The cramps I had earlier this week. I kid you not. Other than that I guess just maybe shot in the gums from the dentist or something. I haven't been in very much pain, which I am thankful for.
24. What is the most emotionally painful thing that has ever happened to you?
My sister moving...closely behind was the whole Curt thing.
25. Who have you hugged today?
My mom
26. Who has hugged you?
No one
27. Do you have a lot to learn?
Of course, I'm only 21.
28. If you could learn how to do three things just by wishing and not by working what would they be?
1) Gain self-esteem and confidence.
2) Play piano
3) Be more outgoing and assertive.
29. Which do you remember the longest: what other people say, what other people do or how other people make you feel?
Hmm...awesome question. Probably what people say...then how they make me feel. All three affect me though.
30. What are the key ingredients to having a good relationship?
Communication, sense of humor, compatability, friendship, trust.
31. What 3 things do you want to do before you die?
1) Get married and be happy.
2) Go on a road trip.
3) Meet some of the wonderful people I have been in contact with through the internet.
32. what three things would you want to die to avoid doing?
1) Getting Divoriced
2) Getting Arrested (stole from Brian...good answer)
3) Regret
33. Is there a cause you believe in more than any other cause?
Yeah, people who aren't beautiful are good people too. I hate the superficiality and shallowness in this world...it's complete bullshit. People like me aren't given a chance because they're not hot or they're not a nice piece of ass. People like me aren't worthy enough to talk to. I could go on, but I will stop. You get the idea.
34. What does each decade make you think of:
--20s: Jazz
--30s: The Golden Age of Hollywood
--40s: Swing
--50s: James Dean
--60s: Beatles.
--70s: Disco
--80s: My siblings
--90s: When I grew up.
--2000 (so far): Adulthood
35. Which decade do you feel you belong in and why?
Where I am now...though I think the 1950s would have been awesome to live in.
36. What is your favorite oldie/classic rock song?
Oh good lord...Well, you know it's the Beatles, but I don't think I can pick *one* Beatles' song. I just can't.
37. If you could say any sentance to the president of the usa what would it be?
I have no idea.
38. What's your favorite tv channel to watch in the middle of the night?
Court TV, Home Shopping Network or Discovery Health Channel
39. What Disney villain are you the most like and why?
Ursula from The Little Mermaid...she just wants to be beautiful.
40. Have you ever been a girl scout/boy scout?
I was a Brownie for a couple of months.
41. If you were travelling to another continent would you rather fly or take a boat?
Fly
42. Why is the sky blue during the day and black at night?
It's always blue.
43. What does your name mean?
It's Latin, meaning something to the affect of, "worthy of being loved."
44. Would you rather explore the deeps of the ocean or outer space?
Ocean.
45. Word association -- What's the first word that comes to mind when you see the word...
--air: breathe
--meat: cow
--different: strokes
--pink: cadillac
--deserve: earn
--white: me
--Elvis: mom
--cilantro: spice
--heart: emotion
--clash: different
--pulp: pumpkin
46. If you could meet any person who is dead and famous who would you want it to be?
John Lennon or James Dean...an honest toss up
47. What if you could meet anyone alive and famous?
311
47. Is there a movie that you love so much you could watch it everyday?
What Lies Beneath
48. You are going to be stuck alone in an elevator for a week. What do you bring to do?
A book
49. What one cd would you bring to listen to for that week (no mixed cd's..must be an album)?
Uh...crap... 311 - Music or the Blue Album...can't decide
50. Have you ever saved someone's life or had your life saved?
Nope.

music: live - all over you