Alone

I just read Drew's post about being alone. The answer the question he posed, I think it's perfectly fine to be alone. If that is what you want, there is certainly nothing wrong with it. People need to do what is best for them. I think this post really spoke to me. Where he mentions that he chooses to be alone and not necessarily for a reason, I am not choosing to be alone, but I think there is a reason why I am alone.

If I think about this logically, I am not ready for a relationship. There's a lot of things I need to do for myself to make myself a better person and to "correct some flaws" before I can even begin to have a relationship, especially a committed one if it got that far. If I consider the whole "you have to love yourself before you can love someone else" thing, then I am not ready because I don't completely love myself. There are definitely things I like about myself and would never change, but there's just as much, if not more, things that I want to change. So, here is what I am wondering...I am lonely and I would love to have that companionship...to know that someone cares about me, loves me, and wants me. If logically I know I am not ready for a relationship, how can I fill that void of loneliness? I definitely feel like something is missing somewhere in me and I don't know what it is or what goes there. You'd think I'd be able to tell myself to get over it, but I can't. The feeling of want and loneliness is so strong, I am not sure how to defeat it. Hmm, I don't know...Drew's post definitely sparked something in my mind.

Music: 311 - I'll Be Here Awhile

A Stripper, Spaghetti, and a Line Dance

That whole title pretty much sums up my trip to San Diego.

Well left here around 2:30 and got to my friend's house about 4. She doesn't actually live in San Diego, so it didn't take us that long. Around 6 we left to my friend's, friend's house for drinks and appetizers before we went to dinner. Well, little did I or the guest of honor know that her friend had hired a stripper. All I can say was that it was an interesting experience, to say the least. I saw some things that I didn't know strippers did...I guess I didn't realize that strippers were so interactive with you. He started off in his pants, then his boxer briefs, then his thong, then his towel. During everyone of those clothing sessions I got a nice crotch in the face...not to mention when he sat on my lap and started grinding on me while wearing his thong. When this happened the girl next to me put my hand on his butt..heh. I am not sure how I feel about this...yeah...all I can say was that it was interesting. I didn't hate it, but it wasn't the bestest thing either. I guess it was kinda fun. He had a nice body...I do want to know one thing. How does he not get excited with all of the sex similation going on? I mean he went as far (and kinda went farther than this..) as laying a girl on the ground, put her legs in the air and went to town..*shakes head* I had NO idea strippers did that sort of thing. Now that I think about it, maybe he was a little excited...I am not sure...I do not have experience in this area. ;) Oh well...guess there is a first time for everything.

After that excitement, we went to dinner at a place called Buca di Beppo (I think that's the place). It was an Italian place, which you probably guessed by now. The food was pretty good. It's one of those places that serve huge portions and e or 3 people can eat from one order. I wasn't sure what I wanted, so I ordered a small spaghetti, which turned out to be a pound and a half of it. It was pretty good though. The best I've had I think...at a restaurant anyways.

Then, after dinner we went to a bar and dance place called In Cahoots. This was different too because it was a Country bar. So, lots of guys (and girls) in wranglers, cowboy hats and boots. Almost like being at home. ;) It actually wasn't too bad. The funniest thing was when they played Eminem...who would have thought? I danced a few times...and did a few line dances (yes I know some) and had a few drinks. I tried a few new things...a Smirnoff Ice with Grenadine (yummy) and a drink called a Washington Apple. I wasn't there when the drink was made because my friends ordered it, but I guess it has apple juice, some lemon juice, something else and whiskey. It was pretty good...and I'm surprised I liked it because I don't like whiskey.

All in all, I had a good time. :) I am tired as hell from these last two weeks, but it was so nice to get out of here, even if it was only for a day or so.

No Doubt - Marry Me

Merc

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!! *hugs*

Busy!

*dusts off blog* Many apologies to those who read this. I think this is the longest I have gone w/o posting. As the title suggests, I have been busy...and stressed. In the blog before this one, I mentioned wanting the next two weeks to be over and they are! :) I have 2 more classes tomorrow and then I'm going to San Diego. :) We're going down until Saturday for a friend's B-day...it should be fun. Though part of me wants to relax this weekend, it should be fun to get away from here. Turned in my music video today and my story outline for my script...took all 4 of my tests. I don't think I did so hot on my Monday night midterm, but oh well...nothing I can do about it now.

Overall, things are not bad. I had a blast at CA Adventure last Saturday. I'm such a sucker for theme parks...and now I can't wait to go to Disneyland...and I'm gonna get to see it all Christmassy...well partly anyways. I need to look at a calendar and see when is the best time to go.

Not much else is going on...I need to figure out what classes I am taking next semester. I register on the 10th of Nov. so I need to go talk to the American Studies people and see about getting my minor declared.

Sorry to cut this short, but unfortunately I have to read 3 chapters for tomorrow. I really haven't been up to much...school has just been kicking my butt. :) Hope everyone is well! :)

Music: 311 - Sometimes Jacks May Rule The Realm

Weekend

Had a nice weekend...was able to go home again thanks to Merc and Ong. I also got my filming done for my music video. I am happy about that, so now all I have to do is edit. I got about a week and a half to do that, so I think I can do it. My friend was in it...I really want to get her something for being in it, but I can't really afford to. Guess my thanks and gratitude will have to be enough...she helped me more than I think she realizes.

Home was nice but it was hard to say goodbye. My dad and I had a pretty tearful one. The emotion had been there all weekend and I guess when I was leaving it all came out. I think I started it...I hugged him and told him to take care of himself because I worry about him and then he just broke down...which made me cry really bad. He seems to be having a hard time dealing with everything that is going on...my mom also. I really get the feeling that they need me there and I feel like I need to be there for them, to help them out. I feel so helpless not being able to help out in someway. I just wish I could be there and it tears me up that I can't.

On top of that I've got so much crap to do...I have a Midterm on Thursday, a regular test on Friday and 2 midterms next Monday...plus I need to edit and my story outline for my script is due next Tuesday. I can already feel the stress mounting...I'm getting anxious and starting to clench my teeth really bad, which kept me up last night. I seriously just want these next few weeks to be over.
Music: Live - Imagine

AMST 201

I am so pissed. Got my test back in my Intro to American Studies class and I got a "D". Leaving the test, I didn't think I did great, but I also didn't think I got a "D". And it's not the grade that I am that upset about. Before the teacher handed out the tests (which took over 30 min. because there's over 100 people in this class), he said that he wanted the people who did badly on the test to come and see him and bring their notes so "we can discuss why you're doing so bad in the class." The problem isn't the class, it's his teaching. I am there everyday(w/the exception of when I was sick), I take notes and I read the damn book. If I had any guts at all I'd tell him to learn how to fucking teach because that is the problem. Of course, I'd be more polite, but still. He's not a good public speaker, he stutters and he starts ideas and never finishes them and you're never quite sure what to write down because his lectures are all over the place. Ugh...I am frustrated.

Parkinson's Disease

I found out on Friday that my dad has Parkinson's Disease. I don't think I have taken the news very well...My head has been kinda fuzzy all weekend. Sometimes I wonder if I am over-reacting. I am just a little freaked out. I know that Parkinson's Disease isn't terminal, but it's just the thought that my dad is going to have to deal with this and worsening symptoms for the rest of his life. Right now the only symptom he seems to have is the shaking. He goes in on Thurs. for a MRI to see how badly he has it. I guess this is sort of a reality check for me. My parents are getting older and health wise it is starting to show. I just hope this doesn't affect my dad's other health problems. My parents are trying to be positive about this and so am I. I've done some reading on it, so I feel a little better.

And thanks to Merc and Ong for the hanging out this weekend...though you didn't know, you helped keep my mind off things.

Music: Moulin Rouge Sdtrk

Questions

Who am I? Where do I belong? Where do I fit in? What is my purpose in life? Do I even have a purpose? Will I ever find out? Am I doing the right thing? How much will I regret in the future? Am I happy? How can I be more confident? How can I raise my self-esteem? What is my essense? Am I beautiful? How can I feel beautiful? Am I a good person? Am I a good friend? Am I there for you? Do you like me? Am I worth knowing? Do I matter? What is my passion? What fuels my fire? Am I creative? Do I have a talent? Am I worthy of your time? Am I worth getting to know? Do I make sense? Am I understandable? Do I need a man? Does anyone need me? Will I be alone? When will I feel free? Does fate exist? How about destiny? Is there a plan? Am I loved? Am I important? Should I trust myself? Am I mature? What does being a woman mean? What do I want in life? Is there someone out there for me? Am I taken for granted? Am I too nice? Would anyone miss me? Am I normal? Is what I'm feeling normal? Am I alone? Why can't I find a job? What am I doing wrong? What is wrong with me? What is my outlet? What is the meaning of life? Is tomorrow the day? WHAT DOES IT ALL MEAN??????

I am lost.