I Have This Problem...

...I don't care anymore.

I am having the hardest caring about a few things...

1) School. I have 2 midterms today and 1 tomorrow and I have barely studied for 2 and haven't studied for 1. I am just like "eh," I go to class everyday, I can wing it. Not a good attitude to have. I just want it to be OVER.

2) Work. I have found myself wasting a lot of time at work and if I am not wasting my time, I am taking my time. I haven't been working efficiently as I have been. This is not to say that I don't do my work or get it done, it is just different. Oh, and there is a girl at work who apparently doesn't like me anymore and I know it's for no good reason because I have never done or said anything to her...we used to have conversations. I know it's probably because I hang out with and talk to some people who used to be her friends but cease to be anymore. If I had guts, I would tell her: You're 25, married and have two kids. Grow the fuck up. Thank goodness I have no guts. It's fine if she doesn't like me, but at least have a good reason...no need to be rude to me when I haven't done anything.

3) My sister. I thought a lot about my sister last night. And while I have been bummed because she makes no real attempt to be in my life or maintain a relationship with me...or a friendship for that matter, I'm tired of being bummed about it. I have done nothing by try since I was 10 years old to have a relationship with her. She was my biggest role model and then she moved to Maine. She's now in New Hampshire and sadly, I think I can count on two hands, the number of letters I have gotten from her in 13 years. I'm done trying. I have told her numerous times that I wanted a relationship and she seems to ignore it. And it is bullshit that she will not call my mom in fear that she might have to talk to my dad. If I had guts I would tell her: You're 35, grow the fuck up. Actually, I'd tell her a lot more, but whatever.

See, the thing is, I want something more. Work is getting harder to deal with because it's such a meaningless, thankless job. What am I contributing to? I put clothes on racks, big deal. Do you think any one customer appreciates it? If they did, the store wouldn't be in a constant state of disarray. This job has definitely made me question the decency in people. I wonder how in the hell their caregiver raised them. Weren't they taught to pick things up? Weren't they taught to put things back where you found them?? That was a big one in my childhood. Though lately I haven't worked as hard as I usually do, more often than not, I bust my ass at work...and it pisses me off that people get paid more than I do and don't do a damn thing. I realize I will probably get stuff like this at any job I work at, but retail is almost down there w/fast food. No one cares, just serve me and let me be on my way. Oh and apparently there was a bomb threat at work yesterday afternoon. But we weren't supposed to fear because our security was there. Please.

I realize that I probably sound like a bitch, but I just feel so fed up about a lot of things in my life right now. I am starting to feel it and it is starting to affect other aspects of my life. I just don't know where to go from here.