I have been really moody for the last week or so. One little thing, either good or bad, can change my mood in an instant. And, honestly, I haven't felt like myself either...the month of September has been an odd feeling month. I'm sure it makes no sense, but I can't explain it.

Last week I went to my first baseball game. It was a lot of fun. We had high seats, but I thought they were cool, because you could see everything. Now I wish I hadn't of waited until the end of the regular season to go, but oh well. Maybe next season I can go to a lot more.

I am on my new computer, which means it is connected to the net and a job search can begin. Christmas, at least in the retail world, is fast approaching...and all the memories from Christmas last year keep flooding back. I must get out. Depending on what kind of job I find, I may keep Target as a way for a few extra dollars...but it would still be better than working what I am now.

Ong got me this cool key chain from Hollywood w/ a star from the Walk of Fame with my name on it. Very cool...I love it. :) I need to go to Hollywood. That's where all your dreams come true, right?

I should go, I have errands to run before work tonight. Merc & Ong, have a great and safe trip to Seattle...I'll take good care of Scarlett. ;)

We've been getting thunderstorms here in Southern Cali...in fact, I was woken up at 3am last night by the huge thunderclap that set off the car alarms in the parking lot. I didn't even know it was supposed to rain. I don't like being in the rain, but it's a nice change. Plus, my car got a much needed bath.

My birthday was good...just a few friends and I going out to Denny's. My roommate bought me a Target gift card so I could buy this purse I wanted and she got me a little stationery set, one of my other friends got me a $25 gift card to Coffee Bean, which is oh so yummy and she paid for my dinner, my parents got me this cute little paper shreader, which works really well. It was good times.

I also saw a few movies this weekend...I saw The Longest Yard, which was funny. It was definitely better than I expected it to be. Then, I went and rented Crash, which was awesome. Very interesting movie that makes you think...you saw good and bad sides to each character and I think there were one or two characters that were good throughout. I was also happy with the fact that it wasn't bloody or gory at all. It easily could have been, but it wasn't, which was nice. I say see if you already haven't. I also rented The Machinist with Christain Bale...I haven't watched it yet. I admittedly picked it up because of Christain Bale, I've never heard of the movie, but it looks good.

In other news, I have a new computer...and to that we say yay! Worked out a deal w/Merc and Ong to get it. The next order of business is to try to get my computer online so I can start searching for jobs. I got my loan payment information in the mail on my birthday. Turns out I'll be paying about $123 a month, for 20 years, to pay off my loans. By this schedule, I will be done when I am 44. That depresses me. All I can hope is that I will be able to pay big chunks on it, so I can pay it off sooner. Oh, and my payments start next month, so I need to find a better job soon. I am going to apply for anything, even if it isn't in the film industry. I'm thinking I might just try to find a more local, better paying job for right now and try to build up some money. Plus, I think I would find a job outside of the film industry quicker. I will apply for both, but at the same time, I will take what I can get. Ugh, such is growing up.

Happy 24th to me!

My air mattress has a leak...and since I was too lazy and sleepy to get out of bed last night and air it up, I basically slept on the floor last night, which didn't help me to sleep well. I used to fill it up about once every 2 to 3 weeks, but now I have to do it at least every other night. Guess I should try to find the leak somehow.

I am loving the weather right now...nice and cool, kinda cloudy. Hasn't been hitting 80 I don't think. Wish Fullerton could be this way all the time.

I have officially grown up...I received my first Jury Summons. Granted I can't do it because I don't live in the county where I am registered, but it still made me feel all special and what not. I wouldn't mind doing it sometime. It'd be cool to see how things in the court room really worked, assuming I got that far. I should probably re-register in Orange County.

There is this song I'm really liking...Monique says it's originally by Roxette, but it's called Listen to Your Heart by DHT. I love it, though it always bums me out when I hear it. I'd love to hear the original version.

Alright, guess I should try to do something productive before I go to work...hope everyone is well.

Isn't it interesting the things we do when we're depressed? I mean, half the time it's something that in all reality makes us feel even more shitty. It's almost like we enjoy being in that bad place, feeling sorry for ourselves. Kind of like sulking instead of standing up and taking charge.

I have a sort of guilty pleasure. It's something I enjoy, but at the same time, it irritates me and makes me feel worthless....it's Cosmo magazine. I bought one while at work today, basically just to have something to read on my lunch break, which, ironically, I wound up talking with people and didn't read it until tonight.

So, I am trying to find out why I like this magazine. True, I do enjoy some of the bloopers people get into, the information on the female body, the "insights" to the male psyche, but at the same time, the magazine is filled w/women (most of them beautiful) that no normal human being could ever strive to be. Yeah, once in a while there's an actress interview, but it has no depth, it's like reading a high school, school girl conversation. I sort of feel ashamed for even liking this magazine...it's like a manual for women who have sex a lot or something. BUT I still like it.

I understand why I don't like it, but I don't quite understand why I do. Naturally, I want to deny that I would like to be like the women I read about in the magazine...the ones with the great careers, booming social life, and guys of their choosing. But I think in all honesty, a part of me wants that, even though I know in my heart of hearts, it's not who I am. Of course, that brings up the question of why would I want to be something I'm not, which is a whole other topic.

Bottom line, I bought the magazine because I'm depressed, I'm feeling blue about some things. And while buying Cosmo and reading 101 ways to please a man in bed might be entertaining, how does that help? Only reminds of me the obvious: I don't have someone. And WHY don't I have someone? Because I'm not sexy or beautiful like the girls in the magazine. See how diluted and degrading it is? I obviously recognize it, but still torture myself with it. Maybe it's just one of the things people do to hinder themselves and their lives. I read Cosmo, I feel [more] depressed, I have no drive to do anything.

Unlike some people who might not realize what the underlying cause of things are, I am pretty sure I know mine. I have incredibly low self-esteem. Whether or not I should, it is there, and I don't know how to get rid of it. There have been times when I've tried to tell myself that there's nothing wrong with me, I'm just as good as anyone else, blah blah blah, but then one minute thing happens and what I tried to tell myself means absolutely nothing...I am back to where I started. So, then I wonder, how do I get rid of this? How do I get the drive to make myself feel better when the feelings that are making me feel bad are so much stronger?

Know what the worst part is? When people say I'm silly for feeling the way I do. I know the people who have told me that, tell me because they care and don't like seeing me this way, which does mean a lot. But on the other side of that coin, they are putting down how I feel and making my feelings seem irrelevant, which, in turn, makes me feel worse. Vicious cycle this stuff is.

I need a way to get over this, it is honestly tearing me apart and in a few ways I feel like I am losing some things that have helped me feel half-way normal, and I am sure you can guess how that makes me feel...

It was a very long weekend...some of it fun, some of it not so fun. The NASCAR race was great fun, as usual. AND I managed not to get sunburned, which is almost a miracle. I always seem to be a glutton for a sunburn...even when using sunblock. I would go into detail about the race, but most of you don't like/watch it, so I won't. :)

In a few weeks I might be going to my first Major League Baseball game and I'm very excited about it. My roommate being an avid Angels fan, tells me that I must get to a game before the end of the regular season.

We have this problem at work. There is always this group of girls who will hang out and talk in the fitting room, including the operator, and just talk and they don't get their work done. And the people, like me, who actually realize that we are getting paid to work and do what we're supposed to, get really tired of it. So, last night one of the ladies I work with went to the manager and told her that she has 3 people threatening to quit and walk out (me, her and our other friend), if she doesn't go to the fitting room and stop what is going on. Now, I never would have walked out, but it was kind of fun to freak her out a little bit. I know I have complained about this to managers/supervisors at least 3 times, but the crap still goes on and it pisses you off to see people in there talking when your out on the floor busting your ass...especially last night because for some odd reason, we were extremely busy. I just don't get it...am I that much of a goody goody? I mean, I was raised to know and understand my responsibilities and it's really not that difficult. I guess I don't understand how others aren't like me in that respect...not to sound conceited, but, ya know, shouldn't everybody take responsibility for their jobs? Okay, enough about work....

I've had this song lyric in my head for the last day or so... "Life is the slowest form of suicide." That is so true...I mean, don't we all kill ourselves a little bit everyday by the choices we make? It's funny, I've known of this song for 5 or 6 years and yesterday it hit me of how true it was. So sad.