An Urge

For the last week or so, I've been doing a lot of thinking...and I feel like I need to make some changes in my life. Though, I haven't quite pin-pointed what they should be. There are a lot of aspects of my life that I am not happy with and there are things I need to work on. I could sit down and have a conversation with you about what I'd like to change, what I want to become, what my goals ultimately are, but I constantly hold myself back. As I discussed with some great friends last night, I haven't really been looking for a job because I feel like I need a direction in which to look. I have no clue what I want...but they pointed out to me that how do I know what I want if I don't try different jobs? I got to thinking about it, and it's like I expect a light bulb to go off letting me know that "this" was the career for me.

On one hand, the film thing still sounds cool, but now I don't know if I would like to do it as a career...maybe a more side thing, which, in this case, writing really intrigues me. Remember a few posts back I wrote how I'd like to start a new script, but have I done it?

I think it all sums up to fear. Fear of failure, rejection, the fear of still not knowing what to do with myself. At least right now, I have a wide range of things I could do...but what if I try a handful of things and still don't know what I want to do? That really scares me. So, though it makes absolutely no sense, I don't do anything. I stay at the job that pisses me off daily and that I rarely come to actually looking forward to being there. I want something that I get something out of, not a job that I just give, give and give and get nothing in return.

I really am my own worst enemy.