My Grandma

UPDATE
April 6, 2007

I've been meaning to update this post for a while...around 2am on March 31st, my grandma passed away peacefully in her sleep. Wednesday April 4th was her viewing, her service was yesterday and today, April 6th, would have been her 85th birthday.

This has all been a very strange experience that has left this weird void. I have never had to deal w/death, really and it's much harder than I ever thought. I actually told my parents that they could never die because I didn't want to go through this again...but I digress. I believe that I have come to an understanding and I am at peace with what happened and do know that she is in a better place now. There will be some adjusting...such as going to visit her in a cemetery, rather than a nursing home...and even though I am sad, I know it was for the best. I will miss her very much.

Thank you to everyone, especially Merc and Ong, whose kindness and thoughtfulness has been appreciated more than they know. :)
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My dad called me on Sunday morning to tell me that my grandma was back in the hospital and that she had pneumonia in one of her lungs, was gasping for air, and her blood pressure was really low. Since then, they have pumped her full of antibiotics and her blood pressure has stabilized, but it is still isn't at a good level. I talked to my parents tonight and even though her blood pressure is better and the antibiotics are helping w/the pneumonia, she hasn't responded to anyone or opened her eyes in two days. Periodically, nurses will come in and turn her over and when they do, my grandma doesn't wake up. I guess the doctor is saying it's a waiting game. Though my grandma is getting fluids through an I.V., she is getting absolutely no food or nutrients. As I've mentioned before, they are not able to put a feeding tube in her. So, she will just be getting weaker and weaker. Tomorrow my parents are going down to the nursing home to get all of her stuff because the doctor will not be putting her back in there this time.

This situation is just horrible. For 5 days now I have not let myself deal with this...I've tried to keep my mind busy, either by reading or watching endless episodes of Friends, or hanging out. After my conversation w/my parents tonight, it is all starting to hit me.

There is a struggle though...I can't decide if I should go home this weekend or not to see her. Part of me thinks it wouldn't do any good. There is nothing I can do to change what is going on and all I would be doing is sitting next to her...and if she hasn't opened her eyes in two days, she probably wouldn't even know I was there. BUT, what if she knew? What if she knows that my parents are there and other family is there, but is wondering, "why isn't Mandy here?" That is tearing me apart. I know my dad is wondering if I came to visit, if my grandma would perk up. I don't think she would, but WHAT IF? At the same time, I don't want to go home and remember my grandma like that. In February when I went home, she was alert, she talked some and told me she loved me. I want to remember her like that...I don't want to remember her lying in a hospital bed completely unresponsive. But...isn't that selfish of me??

This is all just too hard...I have never had to deal w/this before and I have no idea how to take it or handle it. And I have no clue what the hell I should do. I just don't want to regret anything later, you know?

I guess I can take comfort in the fact that the doctor doesn't feel that she's in any pain or she is suffering...and my dad put it well..if she was in this condition and on machines, they would pull the plug, but there is no plug to pull. I hate the fact that she is just laying there...she was always a very strong willed person and that's definitely showing. My grandma and I, we didn't have a bad relationship, but it wasn't the best either. Sometimes she could be a difficult and stubborn person, but she has changed a lot in the last years and I just hope she knows how much I love her and always did, even if I never showed it that well.