This Makes No Sense

I feel very contemplative, but I am not sure if I can put it in words. There are ideas and thoughts scrambled in my brain right now and I can't quite piece them together. I'm filled with feelings of sadness, regret, confidence and hope. I want to smile, laugh and cry all at the same time, though if I did any of those things I am not sure if I could tell you why. I feel tired, energized, motivated and lazy. I can't figure out where to start...or where to end. I want so much to just shout at the top of my lungs that I am ready, but at the same time want to hide under my covers so I don't see anything change. The biggest thing I am feeling? Lonely. But, I think that is for a reason. I have to figure things out on my own. I need nights like this w/my scrambled brain to just think. Or maybe I need to spend some time w/a few friends so I don't feel consumed. I just have this feeling that the time is nearing where no more excuses will be allowed...and I am not prepared for that.